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How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his
pickup truck.
Sick Redneck: The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the female Kentuckian patient.
"Until the antibiotics clean out your infection, you are *not* to have any relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the
young woman patient replied, "Okay fer that 'un Doc, but what about friends 'n neighbors?" .
The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of West Virginia Special Forces. Billy
Bob, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup truck. They'll be
given only the following information about the enemy: 1. There is no limit. 2. The season opened last weekend. 3. They taste
like chicken. 4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music, barbecue or Jesus. 5. They were responsible for
Dale Earnhardt's death. It should be over in about a week.
Two good ol' boys were driving down the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read "Free
Sex with Fill-up." They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant
started to walk away. "Wait," the driver yelled, "what about my free sex?" The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to
the car. "Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10." "6." "No, the answer was 3. Sorry."
As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed. "7." "No, I told you
the answer was 3." The driver then sped off. "I think that game was rigged," said the passenger. "There is no way to
win.' "Uh-uh," the driver said. "My wife won three times last week."
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night,
and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you
hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great
hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
A man and and a woman from Alabama
don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from? The man say,s "Alabama."
The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband
isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California. When that doctor
finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right. So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count.
''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on
his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
This guy walks into a bar down in
Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says
"You're not from round here are ya?" "No"
replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking
very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount
dead animals." The bartender
stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't
know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they
should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but
to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office,
and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had
sex with her on the couch. ''Now, do you understand?'' he asked. ''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for
this?''
Two rednecks are driving down
the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!''
says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel
the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat!
And, let me do all the talking!''
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his
flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.
''Oh no Sir,'' replies
the driver. ''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the
cop asks. ''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing
to drink tonight.'' ''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''
''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl
that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl!
If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
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